Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Life is full of them, burdens that is. Heavy burdens that are sometimes hard to cope with. For the last couple of months I've had overwhelming anxiety and I let these burdens take over my life. I have always considered myself the eternal optimist. You know.....the glass is half full, there is always a bright side to everything. Lately, that whole eternal part is fading. I have such a heavy weight in my chest for things that would have fluttered by in my past. I miss that girl, and I know the people I love miss her too. I don't want her to get so far out of my reach that it affects my relationships, but at the same time I don't know how to coax her back and push away this negative person that I feel I am becoming. Sometimes it helps to do this blog, in fact, in this blog world that I have entered, I see others struggling with everyday burdens. I read how they relate to my situations and how they struggle at times to find resolve in sometimes unresolvable journeys. The older you get, the more complex life becomes. I guess it does not help that the world we are living in just seems to be more and more depressing everyday. I am such a product of what media and television and technology has created, and this is something I am not proud of at all. I want to be better, I want to live simpler, I want to ignore the negativity that resonates from my TV. But, I want to see the season finale of True Blood and see what celebrities are doing and wearing all at the same time. I want to wear recycled clothing, I want to bake from scratch and have my own garden. But again, I want my recycled clothes to come from expensive shops like and I want to go out to eat and pay too much. Where does the happy medium fit in here? Today I emailed my husband about what a terrible day I am having and how under appreciated I am for the hard work that I do at my job and I write to him: Sometimes life is too hard for me, when did I stop being the optimist? I want her back, and I know everyone in my life does too. This is not me, who writes that kind of stuff? I read the Nie Nie Dialogues at and she motivates me to see the positive in life. My problems seem insignificant to others, but they are my problems and they are important to me. She has an amazing life and and amazing struggle of survival that sends me to the moon and back when I read her story! I guess we learn to take things one day at a time. We have to learn to teach our children that life is full of ups and downs (whether we are down or not). Life is too short to wear our worries on our sleeve and to Hell with these burdens. I am going to try to be the best Nikki I can be for my family, my loved one's and most importantly for ME!


Hip Mountain Mama said...

Wow, I can totally relate to you! I was raised one way and have evolved into something else. Some times I feel on the vortex or something. I struggled with anxiety after my second was born and this was something I had never experienced. Bloodwork revealed I have a thyroid problem which was contributing to the dealing with that and lots of yoga has helped a lot. Hang in there and thanks for sharing this!

Anrazel said...

Even the most positive people have things get to them sometimes. Even in your post just now I see you trying to be positive. Sometimes things suck and you have a bad day and it feels like it will never get better. Blogging is one of the best ways I have found to get the negativity out! Just put it out there to the blog world and get it out of my head! It works for me!
I think a lot of things you are talking about is about balance. Watch that season finale you want to see and the tabloids! But also unplug now and then and take the girls for a bike ride (which you do a lot already). Look at things that website makes and make them yourself! Have it be a project for you and Kayla!
I know you didn't ask for advice, but I couldn't help it. Cut yourself some slack! You are still you...I can see it!

Little T said...

Girl, I can so relate to this. It is hard sometimes with the world as it is and people seemingly getting worse. I try my hardest to surround myself with positive people and you are one of them. Everyone gets down and it is good to blog it out (or send a ranting e-mail to your hubby). You are in trouble when you start holding it in. Thanks for sharing!